So we enter the month of February. For many February 14th is a dreaded day because its Valentine’s Day and a the day that reminds them that they do not have a relationship, a romantic partnership that they long for.
But have you forgotten about the relationship with yourself? This is the most important relationship of them all. You really can’t have a good relationship with another person until you get straight with yourself.
The purpose of this blog is to address being alone without being lonely. The paradox of course is that once you learn to enjoy your time and build a full and meaningful life, new and healthy people come into it. But you can’t fake this. It has to be real.
One of the biggest obstacles that I see for many of my clients in building a meaningful life is that they do not know how to live a life and therefore look to a romantic partnership to fill the void. They want to organize their life around a relationship.
This is incredible risky and down right dangerous!
Why? Well, we can’t count on people. If you make another person, that is not your child, the center of life your life, this puts a lot of pressure on that person to satisfy your boredom, your needs and your moods. What is in it for them?
Also, if you don’t get their consent and perhaps they have other interests, they won’t be there and after a while they’ll complain they fill smothered by you…Have you had that conversation before? Where your partner starts the ending of your relationship because they feel suffocated or smothered or controlled by you? If so, it may be because you have unconsciously made them the center of your world.
So to start embracing being alone without being lonely we need to make your life, interests, work, hobbies and activities the focus. Your life’s activities should be take about 85% of your life’s focus and the rest, 15% should be left for a romantic partnership. Think about that. That’s a much smaller percentage.
So for today’s reflection, think about your past relationships or how you are organizing your life. When you don’t have a romantic partnership, what else do you have to focus on? Even if you are in a romantic partnership, how time do you devote to focusing on that relationship versus other things. If it’s more than 15% its probably too much.
Reflect what are the things that you have in your life. Do you just do things to “kill time”? Do you have interests that consume? If not I want you to start thinking about what you would like to do. If you are not going to focus on a romantic partnership what you replace it with?
Get out pen and paper and write down past things from childhood you were interested in. What are things that you have always wanted to do but have been putting off for later because now you are focused on getting a relationship or are too focused on a relationship. These are things to start NOW.
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