May 10th 2019

Posted on May 10, 2019

May 10th 2019

Happy Friday!

Last post I started to talk about how boundaries or rather lack of boundaries can lead to feelings of aloneness or isolation. Some people who don’t have boundaries use walls. Walls may keep you safe, but they also keep you isolated and alone.

Perhaps, when you read the post on the various kinds of walls people use, this didn’t seem to fit you. You may have run into people that use walls, so you recognize that barrier type boundary because it is so bold, but that doesn’t seem to fit you.

Are you someone who just goes out into the world and when you meet someone you find you tell them every intimate detail of your life? Do you tell someone you just met about your childhood traumas? Do you share upon first meeting some of the most embarrassing incidents of your life? Do you reveal what you think are your flaws? Do you talk about all the failed relationships you had? Do you share things like you were sexually abused as a child? Do you share your financial issues? Or maybe share how you have all these problems with your mother or father? Again, you share these with someone you just met or barely know. Do you find that you want to connect very quickly and intimately with people and feel that being so open is the best way to do it?

If you said yes to many of these questions you probably have an issue with lack of health boundaries.  Now, you may say, but I’m just being open, and I am transparent! This is who I am! I just let myself out there for everyone to see. I have nothing to hide!

Well, that way of think may be preventing you from making healthy, fulling relationships. Thinking such as that, being super open, is really revealing that you do not having any boundaries or at best very broken boundaries.

You probably didn’t learn to have boundaries as a child. It is highly likely, in your family, that you didn’t have boundaries, so you are not aware that being so open so soon with new people is not a good way to approach the world.

If you don’t have or understand boundaries, you may not be able to see how that over sharing all these very intimate details with someone you just met, is perhaps violating their boundaries. You won’t see how you may be overwhelming someone. The new person may not want to hear those things yet before a relationship is established. They may feel awkward and uncomfortable and you won’t know why that is. They won’t know what to do with that information. They may feel embarrassed for themselves or you or just terribly uncomfortable.

If the person you are sharing with doesn’t reciprocate with the same level of transparency you may feel let down or that they are being cold. You may be confused if they keep shutting you down or changing the topic. You may be confused if they don’t make more appointments to meet with you. You will likely misinterpret the situation and their boundaries.

In situations like this, where you have no boundaries, you may make people feel uncomfortable and not even realize it. You may feel bad at reading this right now, as it is not be your intention to make people uncomfortable. You are just doing the very best you can connect. It is what you know and what you learned.

Healthy people have boundaries. We need boundaries to have healthy relationships. If you don’t have boundaries, you will invite unhealthy and scary people into life. You are more likely to attract abusive personality type people, they like people with no boundaries because they can control and manipulate them.

Not having any boundaries leaves you open to getting hurt. It will make it hard to make and keep friends. I don’t say this to hurt you, but in working on addressing loneliness and being alone, you need to develop boundaries.

If you resonate with the details above, think about how you think about boundaries. Many times, people with no boundaries don’t even know what that means. They think it means that they need to be mean or aggressive. Boundaries are not that. In fact, good solid boundaries allow us to be kind and nice in the face of boundary breaking behaviors.

Think about what a boundary means to you. Do you have any boundaries? What do you think your boundaries are?

Healthy boundaries make it good for us to have healthy meaningful relationships.