How do you feel today. One of the issues that brings my clients into therapy is this deep seeded state of loneliness. It isn’t the situational loneliness of not having anyone to hang out for a day or evening. Often, it may occur even when the person is with other people. This loneliness leads to feelings of neediness of or time with people. My clients are often want to block this feeling by being with other people, maybe even people not good for them. Or they may choose more destructive behaviors to cope. It is a horrible feeling when this state hits.
Many of my clients, as they do therapy, learn about how their childhood was lacking in terms of emotional and psychological support. They may have come from wealthy families, they may have attended the best schools and had lots of “stuff”.
What they learn about themselves is that they didn’t get a lot of the emotional love and support. They learned that a lot of the love they received was very conditional on how they performed academically or what they could do for their parents to make their parents proud or happy. They learn that they were given attention or praise only for what they did not for their intrinsic self-worth or being.
As adults we normalize our childhood. How can we not? It is the only childhood we know. If you have this chronic black state of loneliness, chances are you may not have received the emotional love and care you need as a childhood.
This deep loneliness that produces neediness can make us do things that are not good for us. It may make us choose drinking to much to block out the negative feelings. We may make choices to hang out with people that are not good for us or that actually hurt us. We may not hold our boundaries and do things that are not good for us in the long term, though in the short term they relieve our neediness or loneliness.
So if this resonates with you, be kind to yourself. You can start to examine this feeling. Is it black or feel like you will suffocate? Does it come up in specific situations? How do you cope with it? If you recall in my earlier posts, I talk about filling a full life. This is one of the ways we start to address this issue. This is why having other things, healthy things, we can use can be effective to manage this. I’ll address more. But start to think about this. If it is really strong therapy is a good choice. If you are not ready for therapy, a great workbook I have my clients do along with therapy is “Leaving Loneliness by David S. Narang, PhD.
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