Freedom you say?

Posted on January 3, 2019

Freedom you say?

Freedom you say? But I am free? I live in a relatively free world.

When I talk about helping my clients to become free, I am talking about them developing the skills and emotional stability to manage chronic, overwhelming loneliness. I help them to learn how to live a full and rich life that they want to be present for and enjoy. I help my clients get freedom from needing alcohol and other brain drugs they use to manage anxiety and/or depression.

I also help many of my clients who have a dependency on their idea of a “romantic relationship.”

Freedom comes when, as an adult, emotionally and biologically, that we are capable of meeting all our core needs ourselves. Core needs such as taking care of self soothing (this doesn’t mean we don’t talk to people, but we don’t NEED someone), managing our finances, managing our career and taking charge of who we let in our lives and who we cut out. Ultimately, as an emotional and physical adult, we are responsible for our happiness. Once we learn to do this on our own and then engage people to SHARE happiness with, we are free.

For many of my clients, often they have histories of childhood emotional neglect, they come to me with chronic and persistent feelings of emptiness, loneliness, anxiety and sadness. These feelings are pervasive and flare with intensity. They can be overwhelming when the person is alone. They often choose to go to looking for a “relationship” to fix this problem. They will say they are looking for a distraction, they want to maybe meet someone. They believe that they cannot do many things alone. They believe they don’t want to be too busy so that they can have room for someone. They are often creating a space for a nonexistent future partner. With the advent of these online dating applications, many people, my clients included, get the illusion that meeting someone is just a few clicks away.

However, a common theme I see is that people in this category, and it’s a continuum, are looking at relationships as a solution to an internal personal issue. If you are unhappy and look to a relationship to solve this, you’ll be greatly disappointed. Once we leave our mom and dad (If you were lucky enough to have good ones) no more unconditional love. Even parenting has conditions, but it comes closest to it.

Many of clients who want a relationship to solve these bad feelings ultimately want unconditional love from a romantic partner. But that isn’t possible. Adult relationships, romantic or otherwise are highly conditional. We all work out the conditions. But a person cannot be responsible for another person’s happiness.

Paradoxically, if you work to build a full a rich life, one that is so amazing, one you almost don’t have time to date, you will draw good people to you. A successful relationship grows out one that you don’t need, but would rather share with someone, once you are emotionally full and happy on your own. It happens because you are out living a life doing things and activities you love. You meet people who love what you love. You are more likely to make friends and maybe develop a romantic relationship …or not. But the thing is, you get an amazing life.

Sounds great right? Yes, but it does require a mental shift. Many people come in and say Tammy tell me HOW to do this. Most people, are not at the HOW yet. First we need to start to examine your beliefs and feelings about yourself, what you believe you are responsible for and your ideas about relationships.

Many times I find that people cannot do what they need to do, because they have unhelpful beliefs that are guiding them. They have to learn the skills to manage negative feelings so that they can go out and do wonderful things.

All of this is possible. Freedom is possible. Learning to live a life that you drive and determine and that isn’t dependent on anyone is freedom. Then oddly, you often meet people later on in your journey that add to the quality. You can share with them, but not be dependent on them. This is freedom.